


someone listened at the other end of the line

by t4tterdemalion



Series: there are flowers, also, in hell [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: ALSO I would like to welcome to the stage Derek Morgan, Aaron "freaking the fuck out" Hotchner, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Episode: s04e24 Amplification, Episode: s05e01 Nameless Faceless, Episode: s05e05 Cradle to Grave, Episode: s05e09 100, Episode: s05e10 The Slave of Duty, Exhaustion, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, I refuse to skip over haley's death like nothing happened, I saw all those texting fics and I thought to myself, I've never hated a fictional character more than I hate Foyet, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Phone Calls & Telephones, Post-Episode: s04ep18 Omnivore, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, a break from the angst my ass, because he keeps trying his best and getting fucked over anyway, because the writers of this show like to use him as a punching bag, here take this chunk of me overthinking and then making characters say what I'm thinking, let's do a phone call fic, some relief from the angst at least, tagged mature for violence and canonical character death, this first phone call is loopy af lmao, when I tell you I'm shattered I mean it, wow look at that Reid's dying again what a shocker
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-12 20:16:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29640102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/t4tterdemalion/pseuds/t4tterdemalion
Summary: Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid fall in love with each other over the phone: from opposite ends of the country, from the edge of death, from hospital beds, from across the jet, from inches away.updated as I watch the show.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: there are flowers, also, in hell [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177757
Comments: 75
Kudos: 94





	1. what the tongue cannot say

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “you are the side I seldom  
> turn to, though we glide down  
> the same halls every day  
> and you confide in me  
> as if light held an answer.
> 
> if there are answers,  
> I am learning them slowly,  
> learning to trust  
> what the tongue cannot say.”  
> \- listening, by susan ludvigson
> 
> o baby here we go, my second multi chapter fic  
> these two have really just taken over my mind entirely I haven't ever written like this for a show  
> I really like writing dialogue for them for some reason, and these episodes are really getting into my head so I have all these situations rattling around up there, and I was like "they use phone calls a lot in this show" and then this happened  
> The chapters will be short! but I've already written three of them, and as I continue watching the show I'm sure I'll come up with more  
> this first chapter starts off right after the end of season 4 episode 18, omnivore  
> please enjoy, I love these two so much

_Click._

“Reid.”

“…”

“Spencer.”

“……Hotch?”

Aaron sighs. “Sorry I woke you up.” He can hear shifting fabric on the other end of the line.

“I wasn’t really asleep, just. Thinking.”

“At four in the morning?”

Reid half-laughs into the phone. It’s gritty, slow with exhaustion. “Don’t question my thinking habits when I know you’re still at the BAU. I know none of us are sleeping tonight, anyway, not with Foyet runningaround.”

Aaron swivels idly in his chair and closes his eyes to try and soothe the pounding headache that’s been building up since he’d seen the news broadcast about Foyet’s escape. “You know I live in here. Like a shoemaking elf or something.”

Now Reid actually laughs. “A paperwork elf. We come in in the morning and all our desks are magically cleared.” He sounds like he’s getting up, maybe off a couch, walking through the house, to the kitchen? Bedroom? “Hotch, as much as I enjoy talking to you, why are you calling me at four in the morning?”

Here’s the thing— Aaron actually doesn’t have a good answer for that.

 _I wanted to hear your voice._ Creepy.

 _I wanted to make sure you weren’t being brutally murdered by Foyet._ Also creepy for different reasons.

He settles on the highly professional and plausible answer of, “I wanted to check in. This isn’t something that’s ever really happened to the team before, and I wanted to make sure everybody was okay.”

“Everybody.” Reid is absolutely not buying it.

“I called everybody.”

Even Reid’s silence is somehow skeptical.

“…..I called you first.”

“Knew it.” Smug.

Aaron rolls his eyes and regrets it immediately. Damn this headache. “I knew you would be awake, probably.”

“Well, you were right.” Reid’s walking again, and then the sound changes, gets more distant, tinny.

“Am I on speaker?”

“Yeah, I need to brush my teeth.”

And then he’s listening to water running, presumably in Reid’s sink, in his bathroom, while Reid brushes his teeth. It’s weirdly soothing actually, domestic, almost.

The water turns off and Reid picks up the phone, walks, sets it down. “So, do you ever plan on leaving your office?”

There are drawers opening, fabric rustling. Aaron could genuinely fall asleep to this. God, he’s exhausted, it’s like a physical weight crushing him into his chair. “No, I’m going to fold myself into my bottom desk drawer and sleep like a vampire in a coffin.”

He can hear the laughter in Reid’s voice. “I thought you were an elf.”

“They aren’t mutually exclusive. Yes, I plan on leaving my office, I’m almost too tired to actually be useful.”

Reid’s moving around, shutting drawers. “That doesn’t seem like the best criteria to base your sleep pattern on—Oh, no.”

He sounds more numb than alarmed, but Aaron’s pulse still jumps. “What?”

“I just saw myself in the mirror and realized that I’m so delirious I thought it was a good idea to put my boss on speaker while I brushed my teeth and then changed into pajamas, and I’m not sure if I should just suffocate myself in my pillow now to spare myself the embarrassment tomorrow.”

He sounds like he’s got his face in his hands. Aaron wonders what his pajamas are like, then remembers he should probably answer. “Spencer, you’re fine. I don’t mind.”

There’s more movement, rustling and then a click, and Reid’s voice is closer again, exponentially more weary than before. “Good, because I’m too tired to suffocate myself. I’m so tired my hands are shaking.”

“Could really use your hands right now,” Aaron mutters, half to himself, but he hears Reid’s slight intake of breath over the phone and wants to sink through the floor. They haven’t actually discussed the plane thing since it happened.

“Headache?” Reid’s voice is slightly cautious, but he sounds concerned.

“Mm,” Aaron agrees, wincing a little.

There’s silence, and then, “Need me to kiss it better?”

Aaron sits up straight, staring incredulously at the opposite wall of his office. Did Spencer Reid just indirectly admit to covertly kissing him on the forehead?

“A kiss from Doctor Reid? Is that your recommended treatment?” Oh my god, why did he say that.

“Ugh, please don’t call me Doctor. It’s too weird coming from you, especially since I’m sitting in bed.”

Are they flirting right now? This is surreal. Wait, Reid is sitting in bed? “You’re in bed?”

Reid yawns, once, presumably muffling it with his hand. “Yeah, I’m too tired to shower. I’d probably pass out and die and you’d break down my door when I didn’t answer my phone.”

“I’m actually too tired to laugh, or I promise you, I would,” Aaron admits, stifling his own yawn.

“Aaron,” Reid sighs into his ear, “Can you promise me you’ll sleep in an actual bed tonight, instead? Don’t even think about that couch in your office, I know you’re looking at it.”

Aaron looks away from the couch. He’s definitely not thinking about the way his name sounds in Reid’s voice, soft and low. “Can you promise me to stop thinking and sleep more than a few hours?”

“Hotch, the second I stop thinking I’m going to sleep for a week. That is a threat, not a promise.”

“Good,” Aaron murmurs, “You need it.”

“Good,” Reid echoes, “Now go home.”

It takes effort to peel himself from the chair, but he manages it. “Fine, I’m going now.”

Reid hums, pleased. “Thanks for calling to check on me at four in the morning.”

Aaron is gathering his briefcase slowly but surely, piling papers into it in a generally haphazard way he’ll probably regret tomorrow. “Thank you for picking up when I called to check on you at four in the morning.”

“Of course,” Reid murmurs, “Always,” and Aaron can tell he’s already half-asleep.

“Goodnight, Spencer.”

“G’night, Aaron.”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man they're cute asf huh  
> god I hope I got Aaron's sense of humor right, he's a little loopy in this one but I feel like his dryness is still there  
> personally I think he's fucking hilarious in canon, but you would never notice unless you knew him very well 
> 
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


	2. which also means disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “the phone rings heralding some disaster. sirens.  
> or it doesn’t ring which also means disaster. sirens.
> 
> you say, don’t mention love. I try. it doesn’t work. 
> 
> your voice disappears into my lonely cotton sheets.   
> i am trapped in it. ”   
> \- dusting the phone, by jackie kay 
> 
> season 4, episode 24: reid gets his ass beat by yet another random horrible occurrence  
> because that's what the writers of criminal minds do for fun, is come up with new and inventive ways to hurt Spencer Reid   
> absolutely loved this anthrax episode it definitely didn't make me incredibly anxious especially since there's already a pandemic  
> anyway I decided that I wanted reid to make a phone call to aaron while literally dying because I just love suffering

_Click._

“—with all due respect, sir, there are a lot of people at risk— One second. Yeah?”

“Hi, Hotch, um, are you busy right now?” Reid’s breathing is ragged through the phone and Aaron stops in his tracks, suddenly cold with fear.

“Reid. I thought you said you might have found the cure. You should be out of there by now.”

He can hear the stillness of the sealed lab, nothing but Reid’s choked breath.

“See, I did find it, and they’re in the middle of getting the tent ready for me to be sprayed down, but there’s something wrong.” He coughs, and the noise makes Aaron’s stomach clench. There’s fluid in the cough that shouldn’t be there.

“Reid. Spencer. What is it.”

“Ah, I’m getting worse very quickly. Too quickly.” Reid gasps in air, coughs again. Aaron hears a wet noise, Reid spitting. “There’s blood. And, and I didn’t notice until right now, but I must have had a cut on my hand, and there’s a lesion developing.”

“Spencer, what are you saying.”

“Hotch. I don’t know if I’ll make it to the hospital.”

Aaron is standing on the walkway above the bullpen, full of people and noise and controlled panic, a U.S. Army general waiting for him to end this phone call, and suddenly none of it is in focus. Everything around him narrows down to Reid’s voice.

“The next stage is the aphasia. I’ll lose my ability to communicate with you. With the team.” Reid stifles a cough, and Aaron feels it like a pain in his own chest. “I need you to tell everyone that this isn’t their fault. Tell them that I— that they’re my family. If I don’t make it there, or if something goes wrong—”

Aaron breathes, measured and slow. He can’t think about Reid being suffocated by his own blood. He needs to be in control right now. “I’ll tell them. I promise.”

“Thank you. Hotch?” A door opens in the lab behind Reid, Aaron can hear people moving.

“Dr. Reid,” Dr. Kimura says distantly but urgently, “We need to get you out of here, now. There’s an ambulance waiting, you need to be stabilized.”

“Aaron, you need to know— I need to tell you—“

“Spencer, please, go with them.”

“No, it’s— Aaron—“ Reid coughs hard, once, and his voice rattles into nothingness, and then there’s more coughing, awful and wet, and a rush of movement, and then Reid’s breathing is gone.

“Reid? Spencer?”

“Agent Hotchner?” It’s Kimura’s voice, hollow through her ventilator, and she sounds worried, but not frantic. Aaron is aware that he’s gripping the railing so hard that his knuckles are white.

“Do you have him?”

“Yes. He’s being sprayed down. He can still stand, but it might be mostly willpower at this point. We’ll have him at the hospital within 30.”

Aaron stands up straight, is already pulling together his expression to resume his argument with the general, but in the back of his mind he sees Reid struggling to breathe in the back of an ambulance and allows himself to be a little bit terrified. “Good. Take care of him for me. Make sure he knows I’m calling him back as soon as possible.”

“Of course.”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have yall noticed I like to play with the use of their first and last names yet  
> also, I have actually no idea how I ended up writing POV Aaron Hotchner, he's impossible to write an internal thought process for because he's such a fucking stone wall but I'm trying and I'm getting there   
> my other longfic that's in process for these two is a casefic and its POV Reid and I don't know how the hell to write his mind either but it's even worse because he's so goddamn smart  
> anyway
> 
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


	3. pains that have lost their memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “there are pains that have lost their memory and don’t remember why they are painful.”  
> \- voices, by antonio porchia
> 
> listen, I'm not gonna be cute about this: foyet makes me physically sick, and I truly hope he rots and burns in hell, or jail, when they eventually catch him  
> I always have such a hard time watching the characters in this show suffer, like, usually when there's a team and they all work together as the main characters I have a least favorite member of the team, but I genuinely love all of them and it really does bother me to see any of them suffering  
> but this almost killed me because hotch is just such a main pillar of support for the team but he always internalizes everything and blames himself and I KNOW he is so fucked up over this but he's just gonna let it sit inside him and fester  
> anyway I'm absolutely destroyed but that's fine hope you enjoy

_Click._

“…Hotch?”

“…”

“Hotch, are you— Hello?”

“Spencer.”

Reid takes a shuddering breath. “Yeah.”

“…You’re alright?”

“I’m fine, the bullet went right through, didn’t hit artery or bone. Hotch, how are you?”

It’s late, and the hospital is dim. Aaron is fighting to keep his mind quiet, thinking surface-level thoughts, thinking about Reid’s leg, white noise, numbness. “I don’t know.”

“You— I was—“ Reid stops himself, pulls the phone away from his face for a second.

The pause is bad, Aaron can feel the darkness of his apartment start to creep in, see a blade wet with his own blood at the corners of his vision. He asks the first thing that comes to mind. “Do you have scars? From, uh. From Georgia.”

Reid doesn’t respond.

Aaron regrets speaking at all. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I— No, it’s fine, I was just thinking of the best way to answer that. Yes, I do have small injection scars. You probably wouldn’t be able to see the initial three, but there are, there are more. From afterwards.”

Aaron sighs. Another thing that he regrets. “I should have helped you, I’m sorry. I knew—“

“Yes, you did know, and it’s okay. It’s past, now. Why did you ask about the scars?”

There’s a taste of iron and bile in his mouth. He doesn’t want to say it, but he does anyway. “He said we would match. His scars would match mine.” Aaron almost hears Foyet’s voice saying it, feels the knife slide in—

“I’m sure mine match Tobias Hankel’s. We were both addicts.” There’s something about the calm tone of Reid’s voice that feels off, but it breaks through the sickening memory of Foyet, and Aaron allows himself to latch onto it. “Is there anything else you want to tell me about what happened?”

Now Aaron recognizes that tone of voice. “Reid, don’t profile me. Please.”

“I’m sorry, I—it was a mistake. I just— Do you want me to hang up?”

“No. Don’t hang up.”

“Okay.”

“…Good work on that case.”

There’s a sniff, and Reid’s voice breaks atrociously. “Th-thank you.”

“Reid? Are you…?” _Crying?_ Reid hasn’t really cried since Gideon disappeared.

“I-I’m f-fine.”

Aaron starts to sit up automatically, but gives up almost immediately. His wounds hurt, but he doesn’t want to ask for more painkillers and lose his lucidity. “No, you’re not.”

“N-neither are you.”

He can admit that much. “You’re right.”

“You scared the s-shit out of me, Aaron.” Reid’s really crying now, but it’s mostly silent, just hiccuping, juddering breaths in between words. “We worked th-that case, we saved people, I s-shot the unsub in the chest, but I was terrified the entire t-time.”

“…You shot him in the chest?”

Reid’s laugh is more of a sob. “Yeah. Just like y-you t-taught me, actually.”

There’s a thread of panic in Reid’s voice that pulls at Aaron’s stomach, twists up inside the uncomfortable nasty place his mind keeps going when he’s alone, and he wants to comfort Reid, tell him it’s going to be okay, he really does, but he can’t do it right now, so he does the best he can.

“Reid, could you recite me something?”

Reid sniffs again, less shakily, takes a second to pull himself together. “Of course. D-did you want anything in particular?”

“Do you have a favorite book?”

“I…yeah. My mom used to read it to me, it was one of the only modern fiction books she liked.” Reid clears his throat, his tears pushed aside for the moment, and begins to recite. “Um, the book starts like this: it’s Midwinter’s Eve…”

Aaron clings to the sound of Reid’s voice, through long hours of pain and jumping at shadows and half-falling into awful dreams. The smell of blood never really leaves, even when he holds his breath, and when he does Foyet tells him _keep breathing, you lost a lotta blood, you’ll need that oxygen. I should know._

But Reid is telling him a story, about a boy named Will Stanton, and he can hold on to that.

It’s there when he comes back, every time, even as Foyet slides knives in and out of him over and over again, Reid is always there, speaking softly to him, pulling him to the surface.

Eventually, he blinks awake to hear that Reid’s gone quiet, and his breathing has deepened in a way that means he’s asleep, or nearly there. There’s background noise of patients waking, nurses making rounds, and some of the lights have come back on, so Aaron assumes it’s morning. He looks at his phone, and his eyebrows shoot up.

They’ve been on the phone for a little over six hours. Reid’s been reciting for probably about five of those hours.

“Sorry,” Aaron whispers into the phone, “Thank you.”

He doesn’t mean to wake Reid, really he doesn’t, but Reid hums slightly on the other end and says, “Always,” very hoarsely.

“Drink some water, Spencer. Go back to sleep.”

“Okay. Call me later?”

Aaron feels a familiar warmth in his chest, under the numbness and the pain. It fades fast, but it’s still there, even when his mind is fractured and his body broken. “Yeah.”

“Okay. Good morning, Aaron.”

“Goodnight, Reid.”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the book reid recites to aaron is The Dark is Rising from the series by Susan Cooper  
> it was published in 1973, but I’m not especially fussed about accuracy of the time period even if it is inaccurate, because it’s based on the Arthurian legends, and it’s a really good fucking book, and I think reid would like it, and it makes me feel better  
> if anyone has any input on how I wrote aaron's trauma here, please let me know, I have experienced traumatic events myself but nothing close to what he went through, and I don't want to trivialize it or be disrespectful, because PTSD and trauma really do affect people's entire lives  
> that's why I didn't want to pretend like everything would just be suddenly okay as soon as Reid talked to him, because it's never that easy, and it's never that simple, and that's just not how it works, but I do think Reid would help him stay grounded, or at least distracted, and that's what I'm trying to show here
> 
> oh, that's another note: this fic is entirely written as I go along watching the show for the first time, so whatever episode the latest chapter is based on, I probably haven't watched past that, so NO SPOILERS PLEASE!
> 
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


	4. you seek him for peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “for you come to him with your hunger, and  
> you seek him for peace. 
> 
> and when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;  
>  for without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.”  
> \- on friendship, by Kahlil Gibran
> 
> ….now Spencer Reid…you seemed kind of suspiciously unsurprised when everyone else was like “um what the fuck why is Derek doing hotch’s job now”  
> im making a callout post on twitter dot com, hotch told Reid before everyone else, this is favoritism >:(  
> Also, can I just say, it is the WEIRDEST MOST UNCOMFORTABLE THING IN THE WORLD to watch Hotch defer to Derek like it’s not BAD (its kinda hot actually) but it’s just so STRANGE like whoa… ur like, actually not in charge right now huh Aaron  
> And of course Derek is in this one, because he’s a smart cookie and he figures this shit out FAR quicker than either of the other two do

_Click._

“Hotchner.”

Reid’s voice rings out unexpectedly loud across his office. “Hey, I know you’re still up there, could you stop slaving away for a second and do me a favor? I came back to get a file I accidentally left on my desk, but I forgot my ID at home, and you know protocol, the guards won’t let me in. Would you mind maybe unfolding yourself from your desk drawer and bringing it down to me?”

Morgan is frozen on the couch with a form in his hands. He definitely just heard all of that.

Aaron clears his throat. He will not blush. “Morgan can bring it down to you. He was about to go grab a coffee anyway.” He wasn’t, but Aaron kind of wants to talk to Reid without Morgan there for a minute. He’s getting that familiar ache in his temples again, this time accompanied by a slight aching in his now-healed stab wounds. The awareness isn’t pleasant.

“Oh.” Reid sounds genuinely surprised. “I— Derek is with you?” There’s an unsure note in his voice that makes Aaron feel more than slightly guilty about hiding this from him. Morgan is pretending very deliberately that he can’t hear Reid’s voice clearly in the silence.

“Yes, we were going over paperwork. What file do you need?”

He puts Reid on speaker and Morgan listens to Reid describe the file, then calls out, “I’ll see you downstairs, kid. We’ll have a chat, catch up.” His tone is oddly restrained, and he gives Hotch an unreadable look as he goes out into the bullpen.

“What—catch up— Derek, I saw you three hours ago!“

“He’s gone, Reid,” Aaron sighs into the phone, taking it off speaker and spinning in his chair to face the bookshelves and give the illusion of privacy.

“Oh. Well. Thanks.” Reid hesitates like he wants to ask something. Aaron feels his guilt mounting by the second.

“Reid, there’s—“

“So, why—“

“Sorry,” they both say at the same time, and Aaron smiles slightly, already feeling better even though he hasn’t yet told Reid about the situation with Strauss. “You go first.”

“Oh, um, I was just going to ask why you had Derek with you going over paperwork at around midnight right after a case. If you can’t tell me for some reason, or you don’t want to tell me, that’s okay—“

“No, that’s what I wanted to tell you.” Aaron pulls the phone away from his face for a second, schooling his voice to be as even and impartial as possible. “I’m being removed from the position of Unit Chief again.”

There’s a shocked silence on the other end of the line, and then Reid says “Strauss,” into the phone with a cold fury that Aaron hadn’t expected from him.

“She’s worried about me,” Aaron offers. “I understand why.”

“Aaron, that’s—“ Reid’s tone is softer now, still holding a hint of that icy anger. “We’re all worried about you, but none of us are trying to demote you. Wait, what does Derek have to do with this?”

Aaron is about to answer but before he can Reid sighs, and the sound is both sad and relieved. “You’re stepping down, aren’t you. Derek is taking your place, for now.”

“It’s the easiest way to avoid a complete reassignment. She’d try to move me out of the BAU if she could get away with it. If I promote internally, I get to stay.”

“That is the best possible outcome,” Reid mutters half to himself, and Aaron can picture him, sitting in his car, eyes half-lidded and staring out the windshield unseeing in that way he does when he’s thinking, running through all the possibilities of this situation in milliseconds. “So you are staying, right? She can’t kick you out once you’re no longer in charge?”

“Not without reasonable cause, unless she bribes me, and you already know I wouldn’t take it; I would never choose to leave the team unless I had to,” Aaron says firmly, wishing it sounded less like _I would never choose to leave_ you _._

“I know,” Reid replies quietly, and it sounds like _I won’t leave you either._

There’s a rapping in the background on Reid’s end, and Aaron hears Reid jump a little, then roll down the window, and he hears Morgan say something, and then Reid says, “Hang on a minute, Hotch,” and puts the phone… on the passenger seat? In his bag? Under a coat? Wherever it is, Aaron can’t hear more than muffled voices. He can pick out Reid’s higher voice and Morgan’s lower one, but there’s no way he can tell what they’re saying.

The thought crosses his mind that Morgan is probably teasing Reid about calling him, and he hopes Morgan doesn’t go too far with it. Reid’s gotten better about recognizing when people’s intentions are good when it comes to teasing, but there are certain things that still bother him, and this might turn into one of them if Morgan isn’t careful.

Aaron realizes it’s been quiet for a minute and says, “Hello?” There’s a scuffling noise, and then Reid’s breathing is close to the phone again.

“Hi.” Reid sounds nervous in a way he hasn’t sounded in a long time. “I’m sorry that Derek heard me when you picked up.”

Aaron is going to give Derek Morgan the most complicated possible forms when he gets back up here just to watch him suffer. “Reid, what are you apologizing for? Did Morgan say something?”

“No, well, yes, he just— he made me realize that I was very informal, earlier, and you’re my boss, and I didn’t mean to be disrespectful, or, or, undermine your authority—“

“Spencer. If I cared, I would tell you.”

“…Okay,” Spencer says quietly, and Aaron can hear the tiny little smile he’s trying to suppress. He wants to see it. “I just…really enjoy talking to you, and I don’t want you to be offended.”

“I’m not offended,” Aaron assures him, then admits, “I enjoy talking to you too, Spencer.”

Reid sounds far more surprised than he should when he says “You do?”

Aaron thinks back over long months of waking nightmares and painful healing and drinking and obsessing over Foyet, and he thinks about the times when he hadn’t known what to do with himself, when his hands wouldn’t stop shaking and he couldn’t look into his own dining room without smelling sweet, cloying iron on the air.

He thinks about how when those moments got really, really bad, he had allowed himself the luxury of calling Reid, and he had said, _Distract me,_ and every time without question Reid had just started in on some spiel about whatever he was reading or thinking about and Aaron would sit and close his eyes and feel his heart rate slow.

Even after he’d come back to work, he’d gotten into the habit of stopping to have little inane conversations with Reid when either of them happened to call and have a scrap of free time, and it’s been something he looks forward to, far beyond the purposes of just distraction. Spencer Reid is funny, and smart, of course, and horrible at small talk but actually seems to care about how Aaron is doing, which blows his mind because Reid is a genius and could be doing a million things that aren’t listening to Aaron complain about paperwork or make incredibly dry jokes about their superiors.

“Yes,” Aaron replies, with probably too much emotion in his voice, “Of course I enjoy talking to you.”

“Oh,” Reid manages softly, and then seems to forget what he was about to say entirely, settling on, “Thank you, Aaron.”

They sit quietly for a minute before Reid clears his throat. “Um, I should probably say before Derek gets back, I’m sorry if he says anything…strange to you. Or does anything weird.”

This should be interesting. “Weird?”

Reid sounds very embarrassed. “Derek tends to be very protective of people he’s close to, and that extends to their personal relationships as well. He trusts you, I promise, he’s known you as long as I have, but after Gideon, well… he worries about me getting attached to people who might not stick around very long. Not that he thinks you—“

“Spencer,” Aaron cuts him off gently, “It’s fine. I understand his concerns. He values you very much.”

“Yes, well, it doesn’t give him the right to dictate who I talk to,” Spencer grumbles, and Aaron feels a flash of annoyance at the idea that Morgan would tell Reid to stop talking to him, but he knows Morgan has a point. He’s not the most stable individual at the moment, and he would never want to drag Reid down with him.

“Reid, if you ever want to stop talking, we can. You aren’t required to have these conversations with me.”

“Hotch, didn’t we just discuss how much we enjoy talking to each other?” Reid sounds mildly exasperated. It’s very endearing. “Why on earth would we stop doing something we both enjoy because of Derek Morgan?”

Aaron hears Morgan come back into the office behind him and stop expectantly. Speak of the devil.

“Hotch.”

Aaron swings around in his chair and comes face to face with Morgan, who’s standing very close to his desk with his arms crossed forbodingly and a suspicious, hard look in his eyes.

“One second, Reid, I’m being stared at,” Aaron says dryly into the phone, looking unflinchingly back at Morgan, and Reid groans into his ear with such despair that it cracks Aaron’s poker face and makes him smile for a second.

Morgan opens his mouth, and then he sees the smile and closes it very abruptly.

“Did you need something, Morgan?”

“Nah,” Morgan answers slowly, looking at Aaron like he’s never seen him before, “I think I’m good, actually.”

“Good,” Aaron says dismissively, feeling slightly petty but also vindicated, and turns back to face the bookshelves. “Sorry, I’m back.”

Reid sounds like he’s suppressing a laugh. “That was quick. I should have known you’d take him down a peg. What did he say?”

“Nothing at all, actually.”

“Figures. He’ll probably mention it indirectly in a vaguely threatening tone later. Anyway…” The reluctance in Reid’s voice is very flattering. “I should let you go. Derek’s going to need your help with that paperwork.”

“Alright,” Aaron says simply, aware of Morgan probably craning his neck to hear every word. “I’ll see you tomorrow. If you wouldn’t tell the team about the promotion, I’d appreciate it.”

“Of course not, I’m sure you’d rather tell them yourself. Goodnight, Hotch. Tell Derek good luck for me.”

Aaron sighs, preparing himself mentally to deal with another box of paperwork and a possibly hostile Morgan for the rest of the night. At least he’d gotten to talk to Spencer.“I don’t know how well he’ll take it coming from me, but I’ll tell him. Goodnight, Reid.”

“Goodnight.”

 _Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, the tone of this chapter is kinda weird, because there’s a lot going on, so here’s where we are with them:  
> Hotch is developing a crush on Reid and kind of realizing his feelings, but that’s kind of been put on hold for the moment, because: Foyet, trauma, etc  
> goddammit this might not have been the best time period to start this work in because I have a feeling it’s not going to get much better for him from here  
> Reid has a crush on hotch, has had a crush for years, but he’s convinced himself that it’s not gonna happen  
> he almost told Hotch about it when he might have died from anthrax but then he didn’t die and the whole thing with Foyet happened, so he’s trying to hold back because he’s like “man there’s no way this guy likes me but I can be here to support him because I’m probably in love with him but I’m not gonna say anything about it because he’s been through enough and obviously loves his ex-wife and child very much im not about to get in the way”  
> Here’s what I really didn’t want to do: give the impression that this is some kind of trauma bond thing, because yes, Reid does what he can to help Hotch with his trauma and support him, but I don’t want to make y’all think that this relationship is dependent on that trauma and transference from that trauma because  
> (1) I’ve always hated when writers do that because it’s like, that’s not a stable relationship, that’s not going to last, and  
> (2) they deserve better than that they deserve to recover and grow into their feelings for one another without this horrible shit overshadowing that, so there’s some cute shit in here but mostly this is about them developing a deeper bond not necessarily romantically but as friends? Because that’s important too  
> Also, Derek knows what the fuck is up, he’s not trying to ruin anything for Reid, he’s just trying to keep Reid from getting his heart broken like a good bro should, but then he’s like “oh my god Aaron Hotchner SMILING? This is some serious shit right here let me take a seat and leave that alone”
> 
> this note is probably longer than the fucking chapter but I have a lot to say ok so take this infodump and do what you will  
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


	5. one hundred

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> an interlude.

In the office, after Jack is safe, Aaron can’t seem to get his feet under him again. 

There’s a hollow, drowning static covering everything around him, but he needs to get to Haley, needs to see her, see if she’s still alive because he knows she isn’t. 

Someone is standing in the door. They offer a hand. 

Spencer Reid is standing in the door. He hates touch. 

He offers Aaron a hand. 

Aaron takes it and pulls himself up. He doesn’t feel a thing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the only thing that came out of me after 100. 
> 
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


	6. thread through a needle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “your absence has gone through me  
> like thread through a needle.  
> everything I do is stitched with its color.”  
> \- Separation, by W.S. Merwin
> 
> so, theoretically, this takes place the night of Haley’s funeral, in s5ep10: Reid is on a case, Hotch is at home but he’s the only one awake bc he came back late from the funeral reception and he is… intoxicated, because who wouldn’t be, in his position  
> here, enjoy some handcrafted suffering

_Click._

“Hotch? Is everything alright?”

“Where are you?”

“In my hotel room, alone. Why?”

Aaron tries to hide the slight slur in his voice when he asks, “Do you remember anything about Haley?”

Reid doesn’t point out the ridiculousness of the question. “Yes.”

“Can you tell me?”

And Reid does.

He tells him how he remembers the first time he met Haley he was struck by how warm she was, kind and clever and funny, then the first time he saw Jack, Haley holding him in a room full of federal agents: “She was always looking at you or at Jack, and you would smile at her, and she would light up, every time.”

Reid tells him places and dates and times, little moments of Haley like shards of stained glass, little snatches of one-sided phone conversations overheard in the jet, in a moving car, her replies coming back to Aaron as Reid recites, and then the few moments from the divorce, and then there’s the protective custody, and Reid comes to an awful halt.

Aaron puts the half-full liquor glass he’d been holding down on the nightstand, quietly, even though the noise wouldn’t wake Jack or Jessica. They’d gone back early and been asleep before he even got home from the funeral. God, he’s pathetic. “Reid.”

Reid’s voice is cracked and shaking, and he sounds like he’s on the verge of tears when he says, “Please don’t ask me to do that again.”

“Reid, I—“

_Click._

_Click._

“Spencer, I’m sorry.”

“Are you sober?”

Shit. It’s only been an hour of him repeatedly calling Reid back, and he isn’t actually totally sober. “Not yet, but that doesn’t mean I’m not sorry.”

“Aaron, do you know how long people have been using me as a calculator, a memory machine, a tape recorder? Since I was about eight.”

Aaron feels like probably the biggest asshole in the world. “I never wanted to use you like that. I betrayed your trust.”

“You did. But not in that way.” Reid takes a deep breath, lets it out. He sounds so tired. “I trusted that you wouldn’t make me hurt you.”

 _What?_ “I don’t understand.”

“Haley loved you, Hotch, and I can’t help you hurt yourself with her memory. I gave you that once, because you deserved to hear it, but don’t come back to me asking to hear it again. I won’t enable you to punish yourself repeatedly for her death by reciting her life.”

“Reid, I wouldn’t ask you—“

Reid interrupts him without flinching, his voice sharp but controlled. “I’m a recovered addict. I know what addiction sounds like, and I know how it starts. And I know you, Aaron Hotchner, and you won’t allow yourself to become an alcoholic, or a junkie, because you have a son who you love more than anything. But the sneakiest addictions are the ones that begin in the mind, under that iron facade you put up, and you can become addicted to feeding your own pain.”

And he’s right, because Aaron can feel himself already forgetting little parts of what Reid had told him, a distant want to hear it again, make it clear so he can look around at the wreckage and point out to himself what he’s lost. But it’s what he deserves, isn’t it?

He’s the reason she’s dead.

The yawning mouth of his grief opens up below him for a moment and he almost wants to snap at Reid, who has no idea what it’s like, no idea how any of this works, _you have no idea how I feel._

Reid sighs. “I know you blame yourself. You shouldn’t, but I’m not stupid enough to think one word from me will change that. I—“

“And who do you suggest I blame? Who led Foyet to her doorstep? All I can do is remember her, Reid, and that’s what you’re best at, so the least you can do is—“ Suddenly Aaron hears himself speaking, angry, messy, bitter, and the words die in the tightness of his throat.

The silence is awful.

“Please,” Reid says softly, a horrible, bleak sadness in his voice, “Don’t ask again. It’s so hard for me to say no.”

There’s a wrenching heave in Aaron’s gut and he has to pull the phone away from his face so he can press his hand over his mouth.  He just snapped at _Reid_ , who has only ever helped him, who has given him everything he can, who is trying to save Aaron from himself. This can't continue. He can't allow himself to poison Reid with his grief. 

He puts the phone back to his ear.

“Spencer,” Aaron manages, voice ragged.

“Yes.” Reid sounds just as terrible.

“I’m sorry for calling.” He doesn’t want to say this, doesn’t want to do this, but he knows he has to, knows that he can’t let himself ignore what this is doing to Reid. “I don’t think I should call you again for a while. You were right.”

“Okay.”

This shouldn’t feel so much like being stabbed all over again, and yet. “Goodbye, Spencer.”

Reid’s breathing is unsteady. Aaron listens to it with his eyes closed, tries not to think of Haley, thinks of Haley anyway.

“Goodbye, Aaron.”

_Click._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA PAIN  
> I do be torturing them though  
> Aaron’s really fraying at the seams in this one but man it’s the night of the funeral and he is so not okay  
> I hope its clear that this is about Aaron having space to grieve and Reid understanding that he can’t become part of a negative coping mechanism but let me explain my thoughts on this  
> So, Reid doesn’t like the idea of Aaron being dependent on him because of Reid’s memories of Haley, it reminds him of his addiction which was born from a horribly traumatic experience, and in his case he used drugs to avoid the memories of that situation, while with Hotch it’s almost reversed: since he lost Haley and blames himself he would theoretically become addicted to punishing himself by immersing himself in memories of her and use Reid to do that  
> And Reid knows he can’t stand saying no to Hotch, so he’s appealing to Hotch to be aware of that and stop himself from falling into this hole  
> I hope yall can see the difference between this and when Reid was comforting Hotch before, and you can see how this would very quickly develop into an unhealthy dependency which is why they’re taking a little break bc I WILL NOT DO THAT TO THEM I promised myself  
> This is about Aaron having SPACE TO MOURN THE WOMAN HE LOVED OKAY  
> Im very unsure about this one yall but there’s gonna be another chapter coming hard and fast after this
> 
> comment if you want more.  
> comment if you have something to say.  
> comment something real.


End file.
